1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I’d like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there’s one thing good about your body. It isn’t as ugly as your face!

6. Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing

7. Careful now, don’t let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I’ve no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I’d sue my parents!

11. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

12. Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!

14. Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don’t grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.

20. He is always lost in thought-it’s unfamiliar territory.

21. He is dark and handsome. When it’s dark, he’s handsome.

22. He is known as a miracle comic. If he’s funny, it’s a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who’s Who as What’s That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

27. How come you’re here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it’s empty.

30. How would you like to feel the way you look?

31. Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?

32. I can’t talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

33. I don’t want you to turn the other cheek; it’s just as ugly.

34. I don’t know who you are, but whatever you are, I’m sure everyone will agree with me.

35. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

37. I can’t seem to remember your name, and please don’t help me!

38. I don’t even like the people you’re trying to imitate, if you are at all.

39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

40. I know you’re a self-made man. It’s nice of you to take the blame!

41. I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

42. I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that’s very typical of you.

44. Do u practice being this ugly?

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40+ Cool Insulting Lines

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.

‘That’s a serious step,’ he said. ‘Have you thought it out completely?‘

‘Yes,’ his young son answered. ‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.‘
‘How about transportation? ‘ the father asked.

‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’ the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.‘

‘We’ve thought about that, too,’ the little boy replied. ‘We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!‘

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6 year old innocent wants to get married

This has been experienced by us, so please do take it lightly.
No Offenses to Sikh Community
Carry on reading and laugh

1. Some of the guests didn’t bring a gift – they make a big production of giving the child 500 Rs. in front of everyone and the child has to act like he does not want it.

2. The cake says ‘Happy Birthday Jee‘ instead of the child’s real name.

3. The party is partly in a garage (where the women are frying up pakora’s) and in a family room where the men are watching sports.

4. It’s a child’s party, but there are more grown-ups than children.

5. It’s Jeeti‘s 1st birthday and the party food is goat meat, biryani, aloo gobi, dal makhani, and a salad of red onions and cucumbers, 10 cases of beer, 2 kaddas (JUGS) of Bacardi and kheer.

6. For entertainment, there is usually a televised football game, or a Hindi movie on.

7. The party was supposed to be over at 7pm, but it’s 10pm and the party is just starting.

8. The host calls someone who’s on their way and tells them to stop and get some mathai and pick up Bhintoo because she is getting off work.

9. You have to take tea and snacks to a bedroom where bibiji is laying down during the party. Kids are playing in that room and going through drawers, but she is okay with it.

10. The party is on Saturday, and you get a call from the Jeeti’s mum on Friday saying, ‘I’m giving Jeeti a birthday party tomorrow at 3pm. Make sure you all come.’

11. Some guests bring gifts that are still in the store bag.

12. An uncle ends up getting drunk and yelling something at his wife, the party stops for a minute but resumes as if nothing has happened.

13. Everybody runs to his or her car to get a CD when the bhangra music begins.

14. It’s Jeeti’s birthday, but since her cousin Deepi is there and his birthday is in a few days, it becomes Jeeti and Deepi’s party.

15. You have to beg the male guests to eat dinner, they still want drink and socialize even though it is 2 in the morning and they have hour drive home.

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15 ways to tell its Punjabi B’day Party

Doobte hue aadmi ne
Pull par chalte hue aadmi ko
Aawaz lagayi “bachao bachao”
Pull par chalte aadmi ne neeche
Rassi fenki aur kaha aaoo….

Nadi mein dobta hua aadmi
Rassi nahi pakad pa raha tha
Rah rah kar chillaa raha tha
Mein marna nahi chahta
Zindagi badi mehengi hai
Kal hi to meri ek MNC mein naukri lagi hai..

Itna sunte hi pul par chalte
Aadmi ne apni rassi kheench li
Aur bhagte bhagte wo MNC gaya
Usne wahan ke HR ko bataya ki
Abhi abhi ek aadmi doobkar mar gaya hai
Aur is tarah aapki company mein
Ek jagah khali kar gaya hai…

Mein berozgaar hoon muje le lo…
HR boli dost tumne aane me der kar di,
ab se kuch der Pehle humne us aadmi ko lagaya hai
Jo usse dhakka de kar tumse pehle yahan aaya hai !!!

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Height of Recession

H O L L A N D
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.

I T A L Y
I Trust And Love You.

L I B Y A
Love Is Beautiful; You Also.

F R A N C E
Friendships Remain And Never Can End.

C H I N A
Come Here …I Need Affection.

B U R M A
Between Us, Remember Me Always.

N E P A L
Never Ever Part As Lovers.

I N D I A
I Nearly Died In Adoration.

K E N Y A
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.

C A N A D A
Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction

K O R E A
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity.

E G Y P T
Everything’s Great, You Pretty Thing

M A N I L A
May All Nights Inspire Love Always.

P E R U
Phorget (Forget) Everyone… Remember Us.

T H A I L A N D
Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull.

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Meaning of Some Country names

PCMCIA
People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN
It Still Does Nothing

APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI
System Can’t See It

DOS
Defective Operating System

BASIC
Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM
I Blame Microsoft

DEC
Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW
World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

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Modified Computer Acronyms

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are actually said by people in court, word by word, taken down and now published by court reporters who were staying calm while these exchange of words were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok’s.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Duh……… ….

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!

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Disorder in the Courts

Q: WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
A: “Eighty -four. Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”(Judy, 8  )
A: “Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.”(Tommy, 5)

Q: WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
A: “On the first date, they tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 10)

Q: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
A: “You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, “cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
A: “It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…that’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)
A: “Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)

Q: THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED:
A: “It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)
A: “It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble. (Kenny, 7)

Q: CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
A: “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”(Jan, 9)

Q: ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
A: “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
A: “If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes to long to learn.” (Leo, 7)

Q: ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE & ROMANCE:
A: “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8 )
A: “Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime.” (Christine, 9)

Q: CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
A: “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off, because they paid good money for them.” (David, 8 )

Q: CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
A: “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when “The Simpsons” are on TV.” (Anita, 6)
A: “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8 )
A: “I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

Q: PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
A: “One of the best qualities is to know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava,8 )

Q: SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
A: “Tell them that you own a bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
A: “Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
A: “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French Fries usually works for me.” (Bart, 9)

Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE:
A: “Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
A: “Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8 )
A: “It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like their hearts are on fire.” (Christine,9)

Q: WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”
A: “They’re thinking:Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

Q: HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
A: “You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feeling gets the best of you.” (Doug, 7)
A: “It might help if you watched soap operas all day” (Carin, 9)

Q: HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
A: “Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)
A: “Don’t forget your wife’s name..that will mess up the love.” (Roger, 8 )
A: “Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.” (Randy, 8 )

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Kids and their Response

1. For your information, please. (FYI)

Meaning: I don’t know what to do with this, so please keep it.

***********************************

2. Noted and returned.

Meaning: I don’t know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

***********************************

3. Review and comment.

Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

***********************************

4. Action please.

Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don’t worry, I’ll claim the credit.

***********************************

5. For your necessary action.

Meaning: It’s your headache now.

***********************************

6. Copy to.

Meaning: Here’s a share of my headache.

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7. For your approval, please.

Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

***********************************

8. Action is being taken.

Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

***********************************

9. Your letter is receiving our attention.

Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

***********************************

10. Please discuss.

Meaning: I don’t know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

***********************************

11. For your immediate action.

Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

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12. Please reply soon.

Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

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13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.

Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

***********************************

14. Regards.

Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

***********************************

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Commenly used Office Phrases & their definitions

Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned:

The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope !!!

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Lesson from 1981 and 2005